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My current mood. I hate my hair, i hate my weight, i hate that i am either too small and frumpy in my fat girl clothes, but my next size down clothes seem to keep busting at the thigh because my legs are too gosh damn fat despite losing 15lbs in 45 days.... I hate stretch marks, I hate that people keep telling me i should start dating and even when i try the only people who want to talk to me think because i have tattoos i am trashy or easy and/or interested in some shaming shit... that only offends me more. I hate that peopple are saying that my hair darker makes me look boring plain, tired, depressed, sick, or sad. I hate that people tell me that my blonder hair made me look again trashy, over done, attention seeking... Heres the fucking deal. I am a mom, i work and i work hard. I am passionate in all things I do, and sadly i am losing my passion for life and the things I do because of how people make me feel> I do despite my ability to look and appear cool and funny I DO HAVE FEELINGS, no matter how approachable I am, it still hurts me when people are mean because I don't flip on when they are. I am tired of being used and lied to by the people i Once loved or cared for to include family. Although I do admit it is much easier as time goes on to acknowledge I have no father, no relationship wtih my mother and no support system except a few good friends who i hate to ask for help from as I never want to become a burden. I am tired of working hard, commuting my life away missing moments with my child or being too tired to create them. I am tired of working my 2 bands for a second income because they are indeed that and because without that We cannot get by. I miss singing because it brings me joy and because music has saved my life more times that people would ever know. I hate that divorce and medical shit has left me in a debt that has been so overwhelming to get out of and even though ive gotten through 45 out of the 70 THOUSAND dollars in those debts- i still have 25 thousand more to Go. I just want to leave my fucking divorce home that is located in a place that was good for him commute wise and is not conducive to my being a single parent in the least bit. BUT it needs yard work and tiny repairs that I cannot do on my own...nor do i have the time or money to even do them on my own... I hate that I am stuck in a poor school area so on top of debt I have to pay for private kindergarten because of negligence on my assigned school's behalf that only furthers our need for a private school here as I wouldn't put my child in their care if i had a gun to my head... . I hate that people make greater and greater demands, no matter how much it may or may not strain me, because I will no matter what try to help and I hate that I still feel as though I should always try to fucking help. And I tell you what- i hate feeling like the person people can take as much as they want from but its a very very small few people who make me feel like I Can ask for a favor when I need it, or who make me feel like maybe I am worth a little more, and not just me, but WE. I have learned that I dont have many friends but the small few I do have, i have learned that they are valuable and true and they love us. And even on my bad days they are still my friends and I am thankful that I no longer feel the need to be surrounded by "kind of" friends but that my true friends are all i feel I need and even though I know we will never be family to them THey are indeed family to me... And I am thankful that somehow over the last 2 very hard and very painful years we did not foreclose, we did not file bankruptcy, we did not fall completely apart I am most grateful that I was able to preserve my child's lifestyle so much that she didn't notice much of the struggles she just understands that I cant always say yes because I dont always have the money to. And when I tell her that now, she also knows that its not a button to test.. that its beyond our control. I am tired of feeling like everything is an uphill climb and thinking dont worry one day its all going to be better and I will look back at this and feel aas though I have come so far on my own two feet and I have built our empire with my own two hands... but i also wonder if that day will ever come.. of if this struggle this pain, and this climb are all that is my future because since I was a child its been only a climb and struggle.. and every time the sun comes out- it is followed by a much greater and much deeper and much harder storm. And if it really is gods plan, and he never gives us more than we can handle... is there a way to say please.. I have had enough.... So, before the next man messages me for some relationship and all these promises of being so good to me, dont bother unless you understand that means you get about 2 hours of my time every 2 weeks. and that will last for years before anyone comes near my kid. And, please before you say- wow, you look so sad or tired or depressed or stressed... perhaps just SHUT UP unless you can do a damn thing to help. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE> dont remind me that people think i am trashy because of my appearance. Dont put me in a box because I am more than what it will ever hold, I wasnt taught to respect myself or my body, I had to learn it and the marks I am permanently wearing as a result are a reminder of where I have been and the path I have waked to learn to love myself now. AND PLEASE DEAR SWEET GOD, dont tell me how much I can handle and how strong I am, and how God will help and heal me. Because I dont feel strong, I am admitting here and now I am tired of trying to be. And I am if its not obvious losing my faith in a higher power, and his plan for all of us every damn day. short length wedding garments with lace